


i left (my heart in your hands)

by kneebleed



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-16 23:14:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28839087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kneebleed/pseuds/kneebleed
Summary: Prompt: I left my heart at Amsterdam, Where I could dream and nights were long.orDan looks back at those times at Amsterdam with emptiness inside his heart.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 11





	i left (my heart in your hands)

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for Phandom Reverse Bang's face the music edition (which was my favourite tbh).
> 
> The fic was based on [schnaphan's](https://schnaphan.tumblr.com/) prompt (and who's art you can find [here](https://schnaphan.tumblr.com/post/640680207954690048/this-is-my-artwork-for-the-phandomreversebang-go)), and the beta was [simonlikesdnp](https://simonlikesdnp.tumblr.com/); thanks to both of you for being around this journey!

On that trip to Amsterdam (that had to last two months, but somehow it stretched when he met  _ him _ ), Dan wanted to pretend like he was someone else for a while. He remembers that he created a story of a perfect guy and gave him a name (that he now couldn’t remember) just to do that.

The lie that Dan planned to tell back then didn’t last more than a few hours though, if he recalls correctly; the memories of the trip were all rose-tinted, blended on a canvas full of blemish images. Some images felt like they wanted to stay there for eternity, especially the ones that occurred at the end.

He remembers meeting  _ him _ like it just happened a few seconds ago. It was his favourite anecdote of the whole trip and the one that stood out more than others. Dan couldn’t bring himself to forget about his eyes and the shape of his mouth, how could he? Dan falls in love with them, and that isn’t that type of feeling that you can erase from your heart whenever you want to.

\----

_ Dan sat at the Easy Times Coffeeshop’s outside tables, looking towards the pizzeria that was at the side of the shop, silently regretting his decision of the place where he wanted to eat that Sunday afternoon. Dan wanted to go somewhere else, but he didn't want to be rude, so he stayed at the coffee shop. _

_ The streets didn’t look that crowded that day, surprisingly. Maybe it was because the air was cold and people wanted to stay at home, although Dan wasn’t that sure about that; the breeze was perfect to buy a coffee and just enjoy the view. _

_ A man with a camera walked close by the coffee shop; Dan didn’t pay that much attention to him at the start, not until the photographer took a picture of him, trying to be subtle. _

_ “What are you doing?” Dan said to him, trying to hide the blush that was starting to form in his features. _

_ “Trying to capture the essence of beauty in front of me.” _

_ “Yeah, the facade of this place is beautiful, isn’t it?” Dan was trying to keep it cool, using his abilities to act that he lost some years ago. _

_ “You could say that, yes,” he sat down at Dan’s table, “but I wasn’t focusing my lens on that, to be honest,” he smiled at Dan. “I’m Phil, by the way.” _

_ “Dan,” he smiled nervously, completely throwing his false name under the bus. “Are you always this flirtatious, Phil?” _

_ “Only with the guys that deserve it, and you, Dan, are a piece of art.” _

\----

Phil gave Dan the picture that he took of him the first time they met on their first date, and Dan didn’t doubt a second when he decided that he was going to keep that picture and all of the other pictures that Phil gifted him in a box. Dan was holding that picture in his hands now, and what can he say? Phil did capture him that day in all the ways that he could have done.

Dan’s feelings for Phil grew every time that they met, and he thinks that the first thing that caught his eyes was Phil’s smile. Dan misses that smile every single minute since their parting; Dan was suffocating on his feelings and the things that he left unsaid.

The conversations that Dan and Phil had under the moonlight drinking tea, coffee or  _ anything _ was everything for Dan. Those conversations were so fun, why did he let them fade away? They could spend hours talking, only stopping to catch their breaths. Dan felt so happy, at ease, during those three months that they spent together, but now even the tiny things can piss him off or make him feel sad.

Dan closed his eyes for a moment, trying to find calmness once more, only to get memories floating around his mind again.

\---

_ Amsterdam had something called Museum Night that they celebrated the first Saturday of each month, and Phil wanted to take Dan with him around some of the 50 museums that were open that first Saturday night of July. _

_ They walked around the city holding hands, laughing and enjoying their time; every time that Dan looked at Phil’s eyes, he felt content, and so did Phil. _

_ “The city looks wonderful tonight, isn’t it.” _

_ “Do you want me to give you compliments?” Dan laughed at Phil’s response. _

_ “Always.” _

_ “The night looks wonderful just like you; the stars should be jealous of how much you’re glowing tonight.” _

_ “You never disappoint,” Dan chuckled. “At what museum are you taking me, anyway? You never told me.” _

_ “We’re going to Mediamatic; I have a feeling that you’re going to enjoy it.” Phil smiled at Dan, taking the camera hanging on his neck on his hands, aiming the lent at Dan, “smile!” _

\---

And Phil was right; Dan did enjoy his time at Mediamatic. He smelled and tasted things that amazed him, and Dan was sure that he would go back to that museum, trying to build new memories that don’t have Phil on them.

Dan knows damn well that trying to forget Phil was going to be difficult, especially with the box full of pictures of him and Phil at Amsterdam, drinking coffee or just admiring the view of the city where they were staying.

A part of Dan wants to set fire into those pictures, completely erasing Phil Lester from his life, but he knows that just the thought of that was unbearable because, even after one month of not seeing Phil’s face, Dan could still feel his knees tremble just imagining it.

The days can feel so long now that Dan doesn’t have someone to spend them with, and even if that sounded cheesy, they were Dan’s true feelings. He cared and gave too much, but when the opportunity came, Dan couldn’t give what Phil asked him; Phil expected a lot, and Dan wasn’t enough to fulfil his wishes, not that last time.

\---

_ Dan knocked on the door to Phil’s apartment with a bad feeling on his gut; Phil sent him a message a few minutes ago, saying that they needed to talk, and that phrase was enough to send him in a bad mood. _

_ “Hi,” said Dan softly, trying to hide his nerves, once Phil opened the door. _

_ “Hello,” Phil smiled back, seemingly calm. “C’mon in, do you want something to eat? We could order take out if you would like.” _

_ Phil was trying to delay the time, maybe to have their last date, and Dan went along with him, taking his time to look around the flat, spotting a few boxes lying around the floor, and he was sure that some of the decorations that Phil had around before weren’t there anymore. Dan felt a knot forming on his throat, but he decided to ignore it, and just enjoy the evening that they had in front of them. _

_ They ordered pizza and drank a bottle of wine that Phil had in his flat, and after a few hours, Dan brought up the main reason why he was at Phil’s apartment that night. _

_ “You said that you wanted to talk with me?” _

_ “Yeah, I-” Phil wasn’t looking at Dan’s eyes anymore. _

_ “Phil? Is everything alright?” _

_ “Yes! I just-” he let out a sigh, “I got promoted.” _

_ “Oh my God, Phil! That’s awesome!” Phil wasn’t matching Dan’s enthusiasm. “Or it isn’t? Can you deny the offer if you wanted to?” _

_ “It was a great deal; I couldn’t seem to deny it, and I do want the job, to be honest, but…” Phil looked at Dan then, “the job is in Spain.” _

_ “Oh,” Dan couldn’t ignore the boxes that were around the flat anymore, “I should have seen that coming, I guess.” _

_ “They gave me a few boxes to start with the moving process as soon as possible.” _

_ “Makes sense.” _

_ “They even offered me a flat too, and I mentioned that I had a boyfriend.” _

_ “Where are you going with this?” _

_ “Dan, do you want to go to Spain with me?” _

\---

He said no, and he left Phil there, at his flat at Amsterdam with Dan’s heart between his hands; Dan went back to England two weeks after, with a box full of memories and the ghost of Phil’s lips on his.

Dan misses Phil with his entire being, and he regrets saying no to him that night; he doesn’t even remember why he did that. They could have had a future full of wonders, but Dan acted like a coward because he was scared of commitment.

Dan holds the memories of that trip that lasted more than expected close to his heart, and yeah, maybe he won’t burn the pictures that he has, or forget about Phil’s face and name, and Dan doesn’t even know how long it would take for him to heal completely.

He left his heart at Amsterdam, where he could dream and nights were long, but he wouldn’t change a thing, because loving Phil felt amazing, and Dan couldn’t want anything else.


End file.
